Ephesians 4 (verse 32) issues a challenge for us to be kind and helpful to others; compassionate and understanding; we’re urged to forgive others just as God in Jesus Christ has forgiven us.
Past hurt
But let’s be honest it can be a HUGE challenge to forgive and 1 particular aspect of my life has taken over 19 years to deal with. My past hurt took place on Sunday morning the 18th of August 2002. I went into labour in the early hours of the morning. I figured that there was no rush to get to the hospital so went about my normal chores for the morning. By mid-morning the pain was quite intense so I had a bath, during which I sensed that we (hubby and so) needed to get to the hospital. After my bath my waters broke, an ambulance was called, my son was picked up, and then I battled against the urge to push. I realised that the birth was imminent and I prayed for God to send someone to help. Praise the Lord the paramedics arrived, but the lead paramedic saw me in the final stages of labour and proceeded to tell me off, something about waiting too long to call for help and how I should be in the hospital by now. I tried to explain that I thought I still had many more hours to go because my son’s labour had been long and difficult (over 12 hours) but I simply couldn’t talk by that stage. The paramedic decided that he needed to get me on a stretcher and to the hospital as quickly as possible, but there simply wasn’t time and a few moments later I delivered our beautiful baby girl in our dining room! We were transferred to hospital and the nurse who greeted us seemed grumpy and frustrated, at one stage I thought that she was going to drop my new baby. Then the doctor and student doctor had trouble delivering the placenta which caused a lot of discomfort and pain. That night none of my obs were done. Overall I didn’t feel safe or cared for so the next morning I insisted that the Dr discharge me so that I could go home and be cared for by my husband. Within 24 hours of giving birth I was back home and the midwives that came a couple of days later were amazing, super caring and lovely.
Trauma
The first residual effect from the trauma I experienced was overprotectiveness – for the first 8-12 weeks of Sarah’s life I couldn’t let her out of my arms much and never out of my sight, my protectiveness for her was amped up, it was in overdrive.
The second residual effect was that every time I thought back on the hospital experience I’d either a) feel like I was back in that hospital room paralysed by fear, waves of defenceless and helpless would wash over me. I’d feel the rudeness and the lack of care all over again. Or b) intense emotions would wash over me, things like anger and rage, embarrassment, a desire for vengeance, sorrow, pain, fear, the intense feeling of being unsafe and unable to do anything about it……
Forgiveness
I knew that God wanted me to forgive the medical staff who treated us both so unkindly but it was hard. Time after time I’d think that I had forgiven and moved on, but then I’d experience a) or b) all over again. For 19 plus years I tried to forgive, tried to let go of the emotions. It wasn’t until January 2022, with the help of my Christian counsellor, that I was finally able to let go of those emotions and extend the forgiveness I’d been longing to.
I forgive the paramedic who told me off.
I forgive the nurse who treated us so unkindly.
I forgive the drs for causing further physical discomfort.
I forgive all the medical staff who didn’t care for us when we were in the hospital.
I forgive myself for not being able to speak up, I was in shock.
I let go of the emotions of anger, rage, embarrassment and shame. I resign my desire for vengeance and trust the Lord to deal completely and appropriately with the matter. I ask for His joy to remove the sorrow; His healing grace to remove the pain; His perfect love to drive away all fear; and His presence to assure me that I am not alone, not hopeless or helpless.
After I shared this with my counsellor, during my prayer time with her, I sensed God asking me to relinquish my overprotectiveness of my daughter Sarah. I sensed Him revealing to me just how much He loves us, that we are His beloved children who are loved even more than we can possibly imagine. As God revealed that to me I was moved to tears and I asked for Him to pour His liquid love all over me, His love that drives out ALL fear! (1 John 4:18)
As I’ve come to this place, of finally forgiving, I am reflecting upon Jesus’ teaching about forgiveness and in particular the lesson to forgive “seventy times seven times” (Matt 18:22). I wonder if He might have been talking about needing to forgive someone for 1 incident over and over again, because for me that’s what happened. Now I didn’t count how many times I tried to forgive but if I did try to guess it would probably be an average of at least 2-3 times per year for 19 years, so about 38-57 times, nowhere near the 490 times Jesus instructs.
Encouragement
Is forgiveness something that you’re battling with?
If so then I encourage you to spend some time reading through Ephesians 4 and asking God to assist you. If you’ve been struggling to forgive for a long time then I pray that God strengthens you to persevere, to keep forgiving over and over again. Keep trying until you reach the place of complete forgiveness and the stage where you can let go of the emotions that have been built up. Know that you’re God’s beloved child, He loves you even more than you can possibly imagine. Ask for His help today and trust the process.
Many blessings,
Keona
That was beautiful. Thank you, Keona.
Thank you, it was a tough one to share xx
Thank you! Was a hard one to write. X