Unwanted Australians Invade New Zealand

Australia has a habit of sending creatures to New Zealand. We have Australian black swans—a species that was once presumed not to exist and now is a metaphor for a major unexpected event (you know, like a global pandemic).

We have Australian swamp hens, which we call pukeko. I will admit that I only recently realised these are an import, not a native species.

I like black swans and pukeko, so I’m happy they want to call New Zealand “home”.

I’m less happy about some of Australia’s other exports: wallabies (the marsupials, not the rugby players—although we host the rugby players on occasion). While the wallabies are cute, they are considered a pest. We also have the Australian possum. It might be cuter than its American counterpart, but it’s still a beast which kills our native birds.

And now we have another imported Australian pest: drop bears.

Drop bears are similar in size to their more well-known (and friendly) cousins, the koala. Their preferred habitat is gum trees in uninhabited areas. They attack by dropping onto their unsuspecting prey, hence the common name. They are officially classified as Thylarctos Plummetus and are probably descended from Thylacoleo carnifex, the “marsupial lion.”

According to the Australian Museum website, drop bears are mostly found in the Great Dividing Range in South-eastern Australia, but there are also reports from the Mount Lofty Ranges and Kangaroo Island. Experts at the University of Tasmania found them in rural New South Wales.

Their research, reported by Australian Geographic, found that drop bears are less likely to attack people with Australian accents, or those who regularly consume Vegemite:

By-products of the interaction between chemicals found in Vegemite and those found in human sweat repel drop bears.

That’s not exactly reassuring. Kiwis don’t speak with an Australian accent, and we are proud Marmite eaters.

I did a little more research online, and found a rumour that the drop bear is now extinct in parts of Australia after Steve Irwin killed the last one with a wooden spoon. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anything to back up that claim. However, I did find video evidence of a drop bear attack in broad daylight:

If that worries you, I did also find some useful safety tips to protect yourself from drop bear attacks:

1. A smear of Vegemite or OzEmite on the face
2. Wear forks in your hair
3. Speak with a strong Strine accent
4. String corks to your hat
5. Surround your tent with a salt ring

Chris Hemsworth recommends bringing an umbrella for protection.

Drop bears have also made their way into fiction. Drop Bear by Kip Nutter and Ian Coate warns children about the nasty predator.

Terry Pratchett included drop bears in The Last Continent, and Then There Was You by Kara Isaac showed drop bears had made their way as far north as Sydney.

And now drop bears are in New Zealand.

I discovered the unpleasant fact about drop bear migration from my son. In his first year at high school, he went on a school camp in what we call the bush—native forest around half an hour from where we live. The students, aged around thirteen, were warned not to wander around the campground at night or (worse) go into the forest, because there were drop bears in the area.

I only learned of this later. In his fourth year, he was chosen to go to one of the camps as a student leader. We were talking about his responsibilities as student leader, and one was to make sure none of the first-years were wandering around at night because of the drop bears.

I asked him if he was sure, because drop bears are Australian, and he earnestly assured me they are endemic in our local forests.

I checked with my daughter, who went on the same school camp three years earlier. She assures me they were not warned about the drop bears, which suggests they have arrived in New Zealand within the last ten years.

This me shows a disturbing trend of drop bears migrating from their native Australian habitat across the country and now internationally.

Thanks, Australia.