I recently posted in a Facebook group a question that I’ve been pondering for a while now.
Does it bother you as (presumably) a Christian reader to read about Christian characters pursuing relationships when they don’t know if the other person is a Christian or not?
I recently read a contemporary novel by a hugely successful, multi-award winning American Christian writer that’s received a huge slew of five star reviews and near universal praise. I enjoyed the book, but was kind of shocked when the Christian heroine got caught up in the kisses and tingles when she didn’t know whether he was a Christian. I mean, this wasn’t ‘relationship evangelism’ or two ‘backsliders.’ Instead, it was like the Christian heroine didn’t care too much about his faith (or lack thereof), which made me wonder whether the author didn’t care about such things, which soon led to other questions.
Do Christian readers not care about this? (All those five star reviews suggest it doesn’t bother them)
Is it a cultural thing? I feel like in Australia we don’t tend to be ‘culturally Christian’ to the same degree as parts of the US, so the expectation is not that you are a Christian but that you’re not. So Aussie Christians really have to ‘own our faith’ which usually means Christians are a little counter cultural in their actions / attitudes. So when we say ‘I’m a Christian’ it tends to mean I’m someone actively making Christ-centered choices (or at least trying to – most of the time).
Maybe it’s more the kind of (conservative?) church we’ve grown up in, where getting involved with someone who you can’t see yourself with long term isn’t overly encouraged.
Whatever the possible reason, I’d love for Christian readers to share your thoughts on the following:
Do you believe a Christian should only go out with a Christian?
If yes, how do you want your (fictional) Christian guy / girl to show they know the other is a fellow believer?
Do you expect Christian fiction to demonstrate godly wisdom when it comes to relationships?
What kinds of things do you think are ‘too far’ for Christian couples (in books) to demonstrate? Many people say they like ‘kissing books’ but is there a point where you go ‘you shouldn’t be kissing like THAT!’?
When do you think ‘I love you’ needs to occur? (Before, after, way after the first kiss?)
Is a kiss or an ‘I love you’ more powerful?
Maybe I have a different perspective to some people here, but I want to write books that demonstrate godly relationships and encourage people to ‘not be unequally yoked’ and to ‘not stir up love until it’s time’ – ironic, perhaps, for a romance writer! Hearts and Goals and Big Apple Atonement are two books where my characters hold off on pursuing relationships until they see the other person make a decision to follow Christ. Love on Ice is another book where the hero holds off on kissing until he’s ready for wholehearted commitment, so it’s not a relationship just based on hormones and emotions. Yes, I want to show that attraction and passion are real, and I (will continue to) include this in my books. But I feel I have a responsibility to do so carefully, especially knowing I have younger readers.
Great discussion, Carolyn! In CCR I would expect this discussion to feature somehow. But it could be part of the tension for the character or part of the faith arc ie that they get caught up in the tingles without questioning the faith of the other person…But if the point of the story is two people falling in love (ie romance) I think that a Christian worldview insists we don’t glorify falling in love with unbelievers…no matter how good the tingles feel!
But if you are writing with a Christian world view but for a general/crossover market, particularly historical fiction, this might not quite feature explicitly.
Right? So many factors come into play here. I guess my question stems from whether this is even something American Christian readers notice or care about (ironic to be asking a mostly Aussie audience here, then!) but I do find it fascinating how people’s faith comes into play with their actions – or whether it makes any difference at all.
it would depend on the people. I know some American readers who would DNF a book like this or would mention it in the review. There is also a big group of readers in America who still believe in saving their first kiss for marriage and wouldn’t read a book full of kissing especially unyoked. But they also are probably not on these forums. (I know one who if vocal on her fb page as we are friends)
Yes! So many different expectations of what is considered ‘acceptable’ and it’s tricky to not come across as judgy (maybe my post does, I don’t know). I don’t mind a good kissing scene, but in my Christian fiction I like it to be when my couple are committed believers and to each other.
not preachy. Your asking questions. if you named the authors that would be an issue. I am noticing there are books now where the only christian element is they may say a prayer in the book and is no faith element at all.
I have also had a Christian friend say one of the books in the church library was too preachy where as a non-christian reader said it was one of the best books she had read in ages and didn’t find it preachy at all. She said you expect a CF book to have Christian elements and it wasn’t over the top at all. It shows how different people thing on things. (I wonder if the book actually was convicting her of something rather than it being preachy which it really wasn’t)
To start lower in the post first not everyone likes kissing books. I think that those who do are married or in a relationship. While it doesn’t bother me as much (although kissing for the sake of kissing is annoying) there are singles, never married who are still looking for there future husband and kissing can make them feel uncomfortable. In some books it seems you have to kiss on the first date this doesn’t always happen. I know Christians do date non Christians in real life but you normally know where the other person stands often with the thinking they will convert the other person where as in reality it does happen but often its the other way eventually.
I personally would rather read the 3 star reviews as that still means a good book. I also think 4 stars is often more realistic for gauging a book as 5 star is often fans or reviewers who got a free book. 5 star is meant to be the best of the best and if every book you review is 5 then what happens when you do read that book that is the best of the best.
When I read CF I would expect at least one to be a Christian and the other person is searching or is open to going to church. I would expect the Christian character to have conflict as to whether or not to date and to have that conversation before they let it get serious or to kissing. I think some authors do it the easy way with both characters having the same thinking without having the conversation so when they do oh that’s great your also a Chrisitan. I struggle with the books where the heroine (and its normally the heroine to be show as being weak) is hesitant to have the conversation as they really want to be with the hero. I would like to see it the other way too. (I don’t like angsts in heroines especially in CCR). Especially if they have been dating or getting to know each other way past half way in the book. Or as many do in the last quarter of the book.
Excellent points, Jenny. You’re right about the five stars reviews, something all authors want, but hey, there is something of a ‘game’ you can play to get them. Your point about the heroine being shown to be weak is good too (maybe it’s because most readers are women and are assumed can therefore identify with the angst a woman might feel?) I personally like seeing the hero question himself and his motives (which is what I did with Beau in Hearts and Goals) – and even cry. (But maybe I’m a sadist.) So many factors to consider in crafting Christian romance.
I like to see a hero show his feelings men crying is good to see. I think sometimes the stereotype syndrome can be a problem. I know women question themselves but having been to singles camps (Christian camps) Single men have as much struggle as women. I was the guys best friend but not a candidate to date person and had several guys talking about some of these issues and how they felt partly to get a different perspective but because I was a good sounding board. (I went to the camps to be with like minded people not realising so many were not coping with being single and hoping to find a mate) I guess its where a single has a different perspective to someone married. (especially some authors who have been married at an early age and still with the first person they fell in love with)
That’s refreshing to hear, especially as men aren’t ‘known’ to share their feelings too much. Any insights like this are great for a romance author!
I got to the point of thinking what am I a guys best friend! These guys would have been around 30 not the young 20 year old but I am sure some feel that way. In many Christian circles you are meant to marry by 30 men and women if you are not then there is something wrong with your. Its more entrenched to females but Men do get the pressure too especially in smaller towns. You will also find a lot of singles groups are run by married couples again thinking you are not complete if you are single.
Yes! Further to your comment below, I personally hate the concept of ‘you complete me’ (that’s God’s job), and people who ‘need’ a man to feel good about themselves aren’t necessarily resting in God’s love and timing. (Easy for me to say). I looked at this in Checked Impressions, about a die-hard fan’s obsession with a guy who goes on a God-journey and discovers she needs to centre her life around God and HIs plans for her, rather than a guy.
For me, it bothers me if the main couple isn’t sure each other are Christians. I’ve definitely been put off of books that do that. I might finish, but I don’t rate them super high, even if I love everything else about it. It definitely features in my review!
That’s good to know! Thanks so much for commenting today, Rebekah 🙂
There are several reasons I don’t read much romance but one of them is that I didn’t see much difference between the non-Christian and Christian characters. I would definitely expect that if someone is attracted to a non-Christian, then there would be a major battle in the Christian’s heart and it MUST be shown in a Christian book.
The many books that I came across were in fact a Christian guy touching a non-Christian girl, to whom he is attracted. For me, that’s an automatic loss of two stars. I even read one where a Christian pastor had an affair with a married woman (can’t remember what relationship to Jesus she claimed) and there was no struggle about that with the character (that one got a 1-star and a strong warning on my review).
I hugely appreciate books that show me the struggles that Christians face (or battling with following Jesus in the first place). I want to know that being a follower of Jesus makes a difference. That I can resist temptation and that Jesus is there to help me.
The romance writers (it is hard to avoid altogether) who do this, are ones I am willing to read.
I agree that the battle of attraction should be shown in a Christian book, especially if there’s a Christian attracted to a non-Christian. I do think books play an important role in demonstrating how we as Christians can apply godly truth to practical life matters, and demonstrating how to conduct a godly relationship is one of them. (I’m super aware of this as I have some young readers) Does it mean there are perfect characters? Of course not. But are they trying, sometimes failing, but ultimately trying to do things God’s way? If it’s labelled a Christian book, then I hope so.
Okay, I’m going to go against the majority and admit that I don’t mind reading books where a relationship starts to develop between a Christian and non-Christian in CF when said relationship starts out as a friendship. Why? Because it’s an expectation of the genre that by the end, both the hero and the heroine will have a relationship with the Lord.
I understand that things don’t work out in a nice, neat happy ending in real life, but I also know I’m reading fiction (a made-up story in which much of what happens wouldn’t happen in real life).
Let me add here that I am single (never married) and yes, I am an American, but I have never felt convicted to stop reading a book because of the character’s spiritual standing in the book. Now, I have stopped reading for other reasons such as the physicality between two characters getting too intense, curse words being used, or characters who I just can’t drum up any sympathy for.
I am of the generation where most of my friends met their spouses in college and married right after. As the years have passed, it’s gotten more and more difficult to meet Christian men because so many of them married thirty years ago and are still happily married. I attend a church that is 90% families and feel like the church (in general, not mine specifically) tends to forget about us singles once we pass that college/young professional threshold.
And there I went, off on one of my soapbox topics. 🙂 Let me get back to the question and more of my reasoning. I grew up in the church and have a strong relationship with God. I am perfectly content in my singleness, but if God does decide to bring someone into my life, I believe one of the first things I would want to know about him is whether he is a Christian.
Since Christian fiction is read mostly by Christians (I see comments like “I didn’t realize this book was Christian” in reviews all the time from non-Christians who somehow get ahold of the book), isn’t what you draw the line at dependent on where the Holy Spirit convicts you? And isn’t that different for every person who walks in the Light?
What bothers me more than relationships that develop before both MCs have a strong faith (or know where the other stands) is the current trend of Christian publishers putting out book with zero Christian content in it in an effort to try and gain some of the general fiction market.
I’m totally okay with a book having a subtle message of hope in it. That actually gives readers an opportunity to glean whatever they need most at the time of reading that book. And I’m okay with books with an overt Christian message. But when you take out the hope and light from a book entirely when your readers expect Christian content from you? Readers are being alienated. In fact, I’ve quit reading (all but a couple authors who I know will have a Christian message in their books because they are so established) from one of the big 5 companies because I’ve been disappointed in the lack of that message of hope in so many of their recent releases.
Sorry this is so lengthy, but I wanted to try and cover all of my thoughts in one go.
Since I’ve already said this much, I’ll end with answering a couple of your other questions. Yes, there is a point where the kissing can go too far, but again, I think that is a line that varies from person to person. We know where we struggle and what our temptations are and if we’re honest with ourselves, we know when we get that nudge from the Holy Spirit telling us to put the book down.
Also, some CF authors do a great job of showing the struggle their characters have when it comes to the physical temptations they have with a person they’re growing close to. I recently finished a book where the hero tells the heroine he’s made mistakes with women in the past and has committed to not getting physical with a woman until he knew he could commit to her. The heroine (who was a Christian in the book) laughed at him and later said she thought it was a line he was feeding her.
An “I love you” is way more important than a kiss. A kiss equals attraction where an “I love you” is heart deep.
And finally, the “I love you” should come wherever it is organic to the story. I don’t know many people today who are holding off on being physical until they know they are in love with the other person, but that could just be because of my age. I did have a couple of friends in college who committed to that but have no idea if that’s still something young people commit to today in the US.
Wow! So many valid points here, Suzie. Thanks for commenting. I agree with you about the importance of seeing Christian characters responding to the Holy Spirit, just as Christian readers (presumably) are. (Which makes it interesting when those Christian characters then aren’t following through…) And a big fat yes to questions about disappointment of seeing some of the big 5 Christian publishers diluting so much Christian content to try to appeal to a wider market (which makes me wonder what categories they’re putting these books in to try for cross over appeal). I wonder how many readers do take on board things they read about in fiction. I still remember reading My Stubborn Heart and being challenged by the heroine’s conviction that God didn’t want her pursuing the hero. To have her recognize this, then follow through, felt almost revolutionary compared to so many other books out there tying things up in a neat bow. It’ll be interesting to see how others feel. Thanks for contributing to the discussion today.
American here, though I don’t claim to speak for my nation.
I most definitely believe Christians should only date Christians. You play with fire when you invest your emotions in a relationship that’s spiritually unequal. When that unequal relationship is a major plot point, I’m reluctant to finish the book. I do understand the value of seeing a character come to know the Lord but there should be zero dating until it’s clear that the conversion is sincere.
No smooching, either. I don’t mind physical affection shown between a couple but casual, just maybe playin’ kissing? Yeah, no. (“Yeah, no” is an American way of saying “absolutely not”.)
Just my two cents.
Yes, to so much of this Tracey. I think most spiritually unequal relationships lead to frustration, one way or another. And yeah, nah – totally an Aussie expression too!
I think these are great questions and comments, Carolyn. I object to writers of supposed Christian fiction who write novels when one’s faith is only alluded to in the vaguest of ways or sometimes not at all. When I write reviews on these types of stories, I point out that – these books should be considered clean fiction, women’s fiction, or perhaps inspirational fiction and NOT Christian fiction. I think some authors write Christian fiction, and then some authors are Christians, and those two things are NOT interchangeable. I have just read 4 of your hockey series, and I loved how you handled Beau and Maggie’s relationship – he needed to wait until he was sure that she had developed an actual, living relationship with God of her own, and not just because she wanted to date him. I think this same dynamic was true of another of the couples. I believe that in order not to be unequally yoked, one needs to date only Christians, as it is so easy to slide down that slippery slope and fall in love with a non-Christian if one doesn’t hold to this standard. I know of those who became believers by wanting to date a Christian who did not acquiesce but came to church and other Christian events as friends and became true believers in Christ.
I expect Christian fiction to demonstrate Godly, Biblical wisdom in relationships, be it with one’s love interest or family/friends. I liked how Jai saw Allie disrespected by her family and sought to correct the situation. I like when Scriptures are included that characters are grappling with and trying to apply to their lives.
When my husband asked me to marry him, he told me he loved me, and we had our first kiss. We had dated two years at this point. There was a friendship; first, a getting to know each other for about five months before we began to date. (My husband was very romantic when we dated and continues to be in our married life together – we just had our 24th anniversary.) Both of us had been hurt before and did not want to get involved physically before a proposal and I love you. But we knew that that is the direction we were heading. We each came to our marriage bed, keeping ourselves for our spouse. This is my history, and Elisabeth Elliot heavily influenced me as a young woman, especially in her book Passion and Purity. I don’t object to kissing, but I don’t like to see it immediately between the lead characters. I prefer to see a slower development of the relationship and perhaps declarations of love and kissing only at the end of the novel. I liked that some of your characters struggled with their passionate feelings and were concerned about compromising each other in an ungodly manner. I think this is likely more true for many Christian couples before marriage and my history is not.
I’ve been telling my husband about these hockey novels and how much research you did to know the cities that the players were playing hockey for, all of your hockey knowledge, and the depth of the specific careers of the female leads. You’ve also had such great minor characters in each of the books. He found it quite interesting as you are an Aussie! I am very thankful for your writing – these novels/characters have been great companions as I’ve relaxed here on vacation in the Canadian Rockies for the past eight days.
Many blessings, Caroline
Oh, God bless you, Caroline! Thank you for your kind words about the hockey series – I’m so glad you’re enjoying these books. Congratulations on 24 years (& a getaway in the Rockies – ooh, jealous)!
I do agree that it’s good to see Christian challenges being presented authentically, especially in relationships. I think we can underestimate how much books can influence us about how we conduct ourselves, so as Christian authors we need to be mindful of this.
I read Passion and Purity too, and I’m conscious of that as I write. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts!
I believe that Christians should date Christians but sometimes the best CF books are where one is a Christian but the other knows the way but have strayed from the path and through dating a committed Christian they are drawn back to Christ.
Yes, watching that journey, and the wrestle as the struggle as they wait for the other to turn to God can be really heart wrenching.
You raise a lot of interesting questions, Carolyn!
I’m an American. As such, I realize that Christian Fiction (a relatively small and young genre in the official industry/market sense) has largely been US-centric, Protestant-centric in the roughly 40 years of its existence. More specifically, it seems this relatively small and young genre has mostly catered to an evangelical audience (at least much of traditional Christian publishing has), but the genre has also shifted and expanded in some ways since it got started.
Now, it’s worth mentioning that while the majority of those who purposely read Christian Fiction likely identify as Christians, not all of them do. Not everyone limits or bases their fiction reading according to religion or a particular faith.
As for Christian people, I think it’s important to remember that many of them are not Protestant. Many are not evangelicals either. And as far as denominations are concerned, there are hundreds of different Christian denominations in the United States alone, and literally tens of thousands of Christian denominations around the world. Along with that come so very many different Christian doctrines and schools of thought. Not everyone who identifies as Christian even has the same set of beliefs about what makes a person a Christian.
I think it’s good that you raised the question of different cultures and also the matter of the (conservative?) church you’ve grown up in. It’s natural for us to view a lot of life through the lens of our upbringing and particular culture, and it can often feel like whatever we’ve personally learned, experienced, or observed is “just the way it is,” more or less. (And I don’t mean “culture” only in terms of nationality, ethnicity, regional customs, etc. Even a specific family has its own culture. An individual church has its own culture. “Culture” has many variations.) But what’s “just the way it is” or “the way it’s done” for an individual or certain group isn’t the same for everyone, of course.
Even when you ask the question above, “Do Christian readers not care about this?”—that can beg the question, “Which Christian readers do you mean?”
“Christian” is a broader term than we sometimes think of it to be, and the audience of Christian Fiction readers is not monolithic. There are many different Christians in the world who think, believe, and are taught different things.
For instance, you want to write books that encourage people “not to be unequally yoked.” I understand and respect that. I also realize that not all Christians have the same ideas or beliefs about that.
Many take the Bible’s admonition about not being “unequally yoked with unbelievers” to mean “Don’t get married to people who aren’t Christians.” They’ve come to that conclusion through biblical study, or they believe it simply because that’s what a lot of Christians say the verse means, even if the verse itself doesn’t say that.
However, some Christians have been taught that that verse is a warning not to marry outside of one’s race: the idea being that people of “inferior” races don’t or can’t believe quite the same as people of a “superior” race because different races are not “equal.” As the verse goes on to ask, “What communion hath light with darkness?” —some Christians have been taught that mixing light and dark races together is bad for Christians.
(For the record, I do NOT believe that at all. But I realize some people do.)
Another school of thought takes into account that the “unequally yoked” verse doesn’t use matrimonial language as other biblical verses about marriage do. Some scholars believe the verse isn’t written in matrimonal terms because the verse isn’t talking about matrimony. The verse is part of a chapter talking about the ministry, about the work of the Gospel.
“Yoking” is a working or farming term, as in yoking two animals together to complete a task, such as plowing a field. You shouldn’t yoke an ox and a donkey together when they don’t have the same strength level or work ethic as animals. Some believe, in the context of that chapter about the ministry, the verse about not being “unequally yoked” means not to attempt the work of preaching the Gospel with people who don’t really believe it. More broadly, the verse serves as a principle about working, like animals yoked together: Don’t try to work toward a particular goal with someone who is unbelieving about that goal, as that can make the work of reaching the goal more difficult.
It isn’t uncommon for people to work toward all kinds of goals in their businesses, organizations, communities, social circles, etc.—even in their families—without everyone in the group or partnership being of the same religion or spiritual belief.
Considering yokes in terms of farm animals and working toward goals is pretty different from thinking that that biblical verse must be a rule about marriage, when the verse doesn’t mention matrimony and the chapter the verse is taken from is about ministry work. Meanwhile, other biblical verses that do literally refer to matrimony say things like “the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband.”
Some couples don’t share the same religious faith, aren’t working to preach the same religious doctrine, and don’t consider it a rule that they must marry within their religious faith any more than they must marry within their ethnic race. But they still have common ground where they work toward particular goals in their lives and families—as again, animals are yoked together to complete particular tasks. Whatever the determined or agreed-upon tasks may be.
I’m not saying any of this to argue or prove the meaning of the “unequally yoked” verse but simply to emphasize that not all Christians are taught or believe the same about…well, about a lot. So, different writers writing Christian romances, and different readers reading them, aren’t necessarily thinking about “unequal yoking” when that concept doesn’t occur to them or involve their beliefs in terms of choosing to date, or kiss, or marry someone based on whether or not that person is a Christian.
Whew! Please pardon the length of this reply. Again, a lot of interesting questions!
So many good points, Nadine. You’re right in that we do naturally view things from the lens of our experience. Thanks for commenting.
What an excellent and much-needed article. And the comments are just as well-articulated. These issues have been percolating in my mind for a while as I read and write Christian romance.
To answer your questions:
Do you believe a Christian should only go out with a Christian?
Yes.
If yes, how do you want your (fictional) Christian guy / girl to show they know the other is a fellow believer?
The topic ought to come up in conversation if they don’t know each other. If they’re already acquainted, this should be something they know. I think it was Billy Graham who said, “If you were arrested for being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?”
Do you expect Christian fiction to demonstrate godly wisdom when it comes to relationships?
Absolutely. And this is why I love your books and do not hesitate to recommend them. Christian fiction should be a sterling example of Philippians 4:8-9, and this excludes showing Biblical truth and godly wisdom in relationships.
What kinds of things do you think are ‘too far’ for Christian couples (in books) to demonstrate? Many people say they like ‘kissing books’ but is there a point where you go ‘you shouldn’t be kissing like THAT!’?
Anything I wouldn’t want my eight-year-old to see on screen.
When do you think ‘I love you’ needs to occur? (Before, after, way after the first kiss?)
Is a kiss or an ‘I love you’ more powerful?
I’m not entirely sure how to answer this. A kiss ought to be a greatly significant moment in the relationship. Even if the person hasn’t yet said “I love you,” there should be strong feelings, and I don’t want to see someone kissing a person with whom they wouldn’t consider building a future.
I’ve read books, even in Christian fiction, where the couple’s kissing is sort of exploratory as part of their getting to know you process, or as a way to “test” how they feel about each other. I don’t get this at all.