I have been fighting with my vision since 2019, before we knew the world-wide pandemic would hit.
I was suffering from cataracts in both eyes and was scheduled for surgery in March of 2020. Well, we all know what happened then! In Canada, everything that was “elective” was canceled and I was put on hold.
In the meantime, I couldn’t drive and my vision was like looking through Saran Wrap – blurry, wavy shapes that sometimes sorted themselves out but most of the time, they didn’t, much to my angst.
Needless to say, my writing came to a screeching halt. Then my husband and kids came home for the first lockdown and I couldn’t have focused on writing even if I could’ve seen the computer screen!
My father has suffered from a devastating hearing loss most of his adult life. For him, it began in high school, so he knows what it is to hear well, and now to be totally deaf and barely hear muffled sound through his hearing aids. He’s always said that he’d rather be blind than deaf. Well, I’m here to tell you, I’d rather be deaf than blind! (I suffer from some hearing loss myself)
The worst part was the loss of being able to drive. The loss of my independence and being able to do the shopping, errands, and appointments I’d been used to doing grated on me.
However, the pandemic lockdown worsened and those soon became a thing of the past. My husband took over the once-a-week grocery shopping allowed under the restrictions.
My frustration at not being able to see to write, read, knit, or spin yarn on my spinning wheel, which is another favourite hobby, grew and grew. I could barely see what I was doing. To say I wasn’t always my “best self” would be accurate!
I tried to find some kind of meaning in this “waiting time”, especially of not writing and keeping to my “one book a year” schedule.
My New International Version Bible mentions “eyes” 46 times. I took particular comfort in the quotations on eyes in the Psalms.
“My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.”
Psalm 25:15
Laurie Wood
“I lift my eyes to you, to you whose throne is in heaven…so our eyes look to the Lord our God, till he shows us his mercy.”
Psalm 123:1-2
“But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign Lord: in you I take refuge — do not give me over to death.”
Psalm 141:8
Laurie Wood
“I life my eyes up to the hills — where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”
Psalm 121:1-2
The pandemic put us all in God’s Waiting Room, but the misery of not being able to see properly, and then having my cataract surgery canceled not once, but twice in 2020 and 2021, really drove me to depression.
I struggled to try to dictate my writing, but I couldn’t see well enough to go back and fix the inevitable errors that the “voice to text” caused in my writing. I decided this time of inactivity was God telling me to slow down, and support my adult children who have special needs, as well as my husband. They were all struggling with being locked down at home, and if I’d been on a strict writing regime, it would’ve been much more stressful.
What I learned from waiting for my eye surgery for nearly two years:
- Patience – it’s never been my strong suit but I can weather waiting better now. Nothing will move faster just because *I* want it to!
- Appreciating my health that I do have – I just had another corrective surgery last week. My eyes will never be 100% again. I have to learn to live with that and use coping strategies. For those, see the Psalms above. 🙂
- Appreciating what permanently blind people go through. I’ve always known that with my family history of deafness, that was a possibility for me. Losing my sight was never on my radar. It is a precious gift and not one to be taken lightly. I felt far more vulnerable when I was half-sighted than as I am with more than half my hearing gone.
- I never asked God “why me?” – I think that was the best thing I learned. Why not me? Yes, God loves each of us, has plans for us, sees our hearts and lives, etc. But, He will walk you through the worst that will ever happen to you and never leave you.
Have you struggled with a health crisis or become disabled through an accident or some physical illness? How did you deal with it? How did you rely on God to get you through it?
Thank you, Laurie. May God bless you and your family richly and may you feel His presence always.
Thank you for those encouraging words, Susan!
Thanks Laurie for speaking so openly about the difficulties of disability. I’m currently disabled, living with a long-term chronic illness that has recently taken away my ability to work, so I’m facing many of these issues right now. How am I dealing with it? I’ll let you know in a few months…meanwhile, I’m clinging to God with all my might. I don’t know if I’ll ever be healed, and that’s almost not the point—the point is God is near, God knows, God cares, and he won’t abandon me, no matter what.
Steph, that is the perfect attitude to have when you’re faced with this kind of a health crisis. Only God knows why He’s allowed this to come in to your life. It’s also all right to feel all the negative feelings that go with chronic illness and allow ourselves to sit with them and realize that bad feelings don’t last forever.
I also suffer from severe migraines and they come on with weather changes, stress, or bad sleep. The last two and I can semi-control but I can’t control the weather so I have to build in days to my writing schedule when I know I may be prostrate for several days with a migraine. One just had to learn to live with the limitations and go with the flow at times.