“Redemption in Christian fiction should never require a victim’s silence.”
Recently I saw a question online asking if anyone could recommend Christian bully-to-romance trope books. I was shocked. In the comments someone asked for an explanation of what the trope was. A few said it’s a redemption story. One person explained what they thought the trope meant and they were asked if there was always a long time gap between the bullying and the romance.
Another person said when someone is a bully in elementary school, they are often not abusive. This line of argument relies on minimising harm by reframing bullying as a harmless childhood behaviour rather than sustained abuse.
After the elementary school comment, I felt compelled to comment because I was a bully victim. I use the word victim because that is what I was, but I am now a bully survivor. The thought of me even contemplating a romance with my bully makes my skin crawl. Even if the book was set 10+ years in the future. My comment contained a little of my story and how much trauma it had caused.
Why Time Gaps Doesn’t Erase Trauma
I explained that my bully sexually harassed me and then it moved to prank calls, stalking, rocks being thrown on the roof of my home. All of these actions were designed to intimidate me. After we finished high school, I still couldn’t be in the same place as the bully. If I saw him in a shop, I would turn and go elsewhere. If it was in the supermarket, I would go to the other end of the store to avoid him. I would go into fight or flight mode as I experienced the fear triggers just from seeing him from a distance.
It took around 40 years to say “I forgive you”. He had no idea but I said this is for me and what you did to me has affected my life, but I forgive you. He didn’t respond. I guess he didn’t know how to respond, but I think I shook him by saying I forgive you. Does this erase the hurt and trauma? No, it’s still there and will always be there but releasing the fear lifted a burden. While I forgave him, I can’t forget and we will never be friends. I am a survivor. I mentioned this in my comment and was dismissed by other commenters as if it didn’t matter and I was overreacting.
One reply I got was along the lines of sorry for what you went through, but that isn’t what we are talking about in this trope. We all know that when a statement is followed by “but”, the first part no longer matters. When I read the comment, it brought back what being a victim is like. I felt totally disrespected and that every other person reading the thread who had been bullied was also being dismissed. The comments left me shaking and upset to the point I couldn’t do much that day. In fact, due to feeling emotionally distressed I had to reach out to friends who understood help deal with how I was feeling.
Who is this trope aimed at?
I wanted to learn more about this trope. Part of me was, and still is, in disbelief that this could be a Christian trope. What I discovered is disturbing. Bully-to-romance is often a dark romance trope, which I don’t know much about. However, it makes sense but it isn’t a category I would ever choose to read. What disturbed me most is this trope is often found in YA (Young Adult) and NA (New Adult) books. YA is commonly marketed to readers aged 14–18. It’s deeply concerning that books featuring this trope are marketed to teenagers.
How is bullying defined?
In Australia, bullying is defined as the repeated, deliberate misuse of power through verbal, physical, or social behaviour to cause physical, social, or psychological harm, intending to make someone feel powerless; it’s not a single conflict or fight but ongoing actions, often hidden or online, involving a power imbalance. Key aspects include repetition, intent to harm, power imbalance, and various forms like name-calling, exclusion, spreading rumours, or physical harm, which can occur at school, work, or online.
I asked three questions on Facebook and Instagram
Overall, most were against it with the more vocal against it on Instagram. There were a few comments on Facebook where they were defining bullying as more akin to teasing and school yard angst but never abusive. This I disagreed with. I realise there is a difference in meaning around the world but overall bullying can and often does include forms of abuse.
A few people even said I am writing this trope. They said they wanted to redeem the hero and show how God can change people. What I take issue with is pairing the redeemed bully romantically with the person they harmed. I asked what about the victim, what if the bullying caused ongoing psychological trauma? Are you happy to have her fall in love with the bully just because he is now redeemed? Forgetting all the trauma he caused. I didn’t get a real answer, and I got the feeling they thought I was being a troublemaker.
A few authors mentioned their books fit this trope. Authors I have read and I did a double take at their claims. They don’t write bully-to-romance. They write enemies-to-romance, which is not the same thing. My hope is authors can understand while this trope won’t trigger everyone, there are many people it will trigger. Mislabelling their book content can cause issues, too.
Redeemed doesn’t erase trauma.
Yes, bullies can reform and be redeemed – but don’t pair them romantically with the person they harmed. When I was being bullied, there were others in the class who were involved. It wasn’t by choice because if they said no to the bully, they were the next target. I don’t class them in the same category because when the bully wasn’t around there was peace. I have learned in later years just how large the extent of his bullying reach was and how many victims he had harmed. Giving these minor characters their own story would work as they were just as much the victim as I was. They didn’t intentionally set out to hurt me.
Meghan Whistler has a Love Inspired book “The Unlikely Protector” that covers this topic. The hero was one of those onlookers on the edge who didn’t speak up and stop the bully and overall wasn’t a bad guy. There is a scene where the heroine visits her bully’s workplace and I could relate to how she reacted to seeing her bully. I loved how Meghan wrote this story and authentically portrayed how survivors really feel. My review is here.
Australia’s social media ban
In Australia we have a social media ban for under 16’s. This came into affect the beginning of December 2025. The law was passed to protect our youth from the harms of cyber bulling on our vulnerable teens. Australia also has laws about mobile phones in schools. Each student has to store their phones in locked cases once a student arrives at school. Teachers are commenting on how they have seen a positive difference due to the phone bans.
We have foundations like Dolly’s Dream which came about after teen Dolly Everett took her own life due to relentless bullying. So, when I heard this genre is mostly aimed at YA and NA readers, it blew my mind. These books are effectively telling victims that if your bully says sorry then you have to forgive them. If he wants to be your boyfriend, you have to let him. The victims are being told they don’t matter as long as the boy has said sorry or is “redeemed” and all is forgiven and forgotten. This is the real-world context in which these stories are being consumed.
This is so dangerous. Many victims have trauma for years or a lifetime of trauma. Yes, bullies can reform and be redeemed, but don’t cast the victim as the heroine in a romance with the bully who harmed them. Don’t tell young girls and women that it’s OK for boys and men to bully and abuse them, and as long as they say sorry, you have to forgive them. I personally don’t see how this fits into the Christian Fiction genre, which is why I would never read it. Forgiveness may be Christian, but forced intimacy is not.
The takeout
Stories shape expectations, especially for young readers still learning what genuine love looks like. When Christian fiction presents bullying as the foundation for romance, it risks teaching survivors that their pain is secondary to someone else’s redemption. Survivors deserve stories that affirm their safety, boundaries, and worth. Any trope that asks them to silence their trauma in order to achieve a “happy ending” is not harmless—it is dangerous.
Jenny, I’m sorry I didn’t jump in and defend you on that thread. Your feelings and reasoning are absolutely valid. I’ve been bullied too (not as severely as you) and I understand where you’re coming from. I especially like your point that ‘redeemed’ does not equal ‘candidate’, and that no one should be pushed into a relationship with someone who makes them feel unsafe for any reason. There are people in my own life I’ve had to forgive (sometimes an ongoing process) but that doesn’t mean I have to trust them or let them back into my life. Forgiveness is releasing judgment into the Lord’s hands – giving the debt to the debt collector. It’s not carte blanche. Congratulations for being able to forgive your bully – you did awesome. And well done for sticking up for readers in their formative years who might absorb a problematic trope.
Its ok I am not mentioning the name of the group and the lady who asked removed her question. It took a lot to forgive him. but as a friends husband at our reunion explained I wasn’t forgiving him for his sake I needed to do it for me to help with the healing. The second day we did a tour of the school and they were going to stand with me when I saw him to forgive him but he wasn’t there. When I did there were others there so I was in a safe place. (and as often is the case they don’t remember what they did they figure they are sorry for what they did and then move on). It didn’t change what he did but I did feel a release.
Which is why teaching young girls and your women its ok if they say sorry is so wrong. How many young adults have gone into a relationship like this where they are abused in some way the bully says sorry will never do it again and it keeps repeating till they escape or something worse. To use the trope to show how God redeems someone while its good for a redemption story is wrong when the writer if completely disregarding what message this sends to victims/survivors.
I’m so sorry you went through this, Jenny. Thank you for speaking up about this; I didn’t realise this trope was a “thing”, especially in Christian fiction. Girls and young women are particularly vulnerable to this skewed message and it is important that it is recognised.
I didn’t know it was a trope till the other day. I also think most who added their books don’t understand the trope and are more rival to romance. So true about the Girls and young women and in some circles they are taught they are the reason and that they have to accept it. Having books affirm it doesn’t help. Redemption is good but shouldn’t come at the expense of the victim’s safety and feelings.
Yes, well said, Jenny.
Hi Jenny, Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. Many survivors feel alone because people (accidentally or intentionally) dismiss or trivialise their experiences. Of course, unrepentant adult bullies are not happy that you’re calling out their dark and mean spirited behaviour.
This trope is dangerous. I did comment on the group post and tagged an admin with a very specific question along the lines of needing clarification on the definitions for the trope. My question was deleted and I didn’t receive an answer.
All that to say if there are Christian romance authors reading this post, please check the definition of bullying as described in Jenny’s post before joining the bandwagon and publicly stating that your book fits the trope. It will damage your reputation and integrity in the eyes of readers to have your books associated with this romance trope.
It’s not a trope I’m comfortable with. And I’d say I’ve only read one true bully-to-romance book. Of course, I had no idea that’s what it was. I thought she was going to end up with the nice guy, but she rather suddenly ends up with the son of her former master who had been abusive to her in the past. And the guy I thought she was going to marry married someone else. It was not toxic in nature, but it still left me feeling odd, especially since it happened rather fast. I’d have rather she ended up with the other guy because I didn’t find it very believable.
I’ve read others where she marries the brother of her abuser or another where she had amnesia and couldn’t remember why she found the guy’s face scary (he turned out to be the twin of the guy who tried to kill her). But I still found those hard to believe.
This trope certainly falls under the ones I’m not really comfortable with. I know people have forgiven infidelity in a marriage or an abusive partner (which isn’t quite the same as the bully-to-romance trope), but it’s not something I want to read about.
If this trope is written, I think it should always be handled with care. That the victim should never silenced or uncomfortable. You’d only convince me they were truly in love if they were comfortable, and that wouldn’t happen in a relationship where the victim was silenced.
I do think it can be a dangerous trope whether handled with care or not, and by care, I mean in an effort to help someone see how to heal and move on because sometimes we need an example to follow or a book which helps us better understand someone in our life (that’s why I appreciated Suzie Peace Pybus’s books. They help me understand people I struggle to understand).
With the category you mentioned, Jenny, especially with YA, it could be treated as a desirable, attractive trait in a partner, and I don’t agree with that at all.
And now that I think on it, if you are listing it as a true trope, then usually that’s something you think is a positive, desirable thing. And I don’t think bully to romance is a desirable thing. It’s a hard thing. Closer to women’s fiction rather than romance.
And I’m sorry you went through that. Thanks for sharing with us.
Thanks Dienece it’s once reason I linked the review to Meghan’s book. The heroine didn’t trust the hero due to things that had happened at school but she also knew he wasn’t mean spirited he just didn’t step in to stop the bully. In the book where she would have come face to face with the bully she couldn’t go in and talk to him. The hero tried to convince her he had changed and wanted to apologise to her but she wasn’t ready to face him cos it was a trigger to her. I loved how Meghan handled it because I knew exactly how the heroine felt that could have been me and it was so true to what the emotional toll is. Had she just smoothed it over it wouldn’t been as powerful as scene. It showed that deep emotional trauma takes time to heal and the survivor needs to be able to be in control of if and when they can confront the bully.
To be honest I had never heard of the trope. I have enough issue with the name enemy to romance.
It does sound like a good book. Can’t remember if I’ve read it yet.
Thank you for sharing your story, Jenny. I can imagine how difficult it was to do and I really appreciate your honesty. It’s an important reminder to think carefully about our plots and the impact they can have on readers. I wasn’t familiar with this trope and it’s certainly not something that would draw me in as a reader.
Take care x
I don’t think many were considering most of the authors who mentioned their book may fit when most are more the enemy/rival/adversary to romance. I did learn our definition of bullying is more strongly worded than in America (and not all the states are on the same page like here). Several also see it as harmless fun. On the other hand I am hearing so many hadn’t heard of the trope and said it wasn’t something they would be interested in. Ironically one person said she would love to see books in this category
The whole concept of bully romance as a trope feels wrong to me. That means I haven’t read any, which means I can’t comment based on experience. I could see it working with a strong redemption arc: I would need to see the bully (usually male) showing genuine repentance and a sustained change in behaviour. Like you, I have read a few enemies to romance and see this as quite different.
To answer your second question, I see a clear line between teasing and bullying. Bullying is intended to be cruel and often involves a power imbalance. The bully might be bigger or older than the victim, or the bully might be their boss or teacher. These are probably the kinds of bullies who turn into abusers. This power imbalance is a critical difference between a bully romance and an enemies to romance novel. In enemies to romance, the main characters are equal and are competitive rather than cruel, and there is grudging mutual respect. Bullies belittle others, and it’s not teasing.
“I was only teasing” is a common excuse given by bullies, and one that bears close examination. If someone was teasing, they would apologise and not repeat the behaviour (see above comments about repentance and change). The bully wouldn’t try and twist events to pretend there is something wrong with the victim, that they didn’t “get” the joke and are therefore somehow at fault. That’s abuse.
It occurs to me that this might be why bullies often turn into abusers, and the women who date or marry them get stuck in abusive relationships: because the victims are gaslit into believing it’s somehow their fault and if they did X or Y, the abuse would stop.
I then wonder if this is why many people (especially Christians) like the bully trope: it plays into their belief or desire that the person who is bullying them will reform, repent, and change. It also plays into the lie abuse victims are often told: if they prayed harder and were better Christian, their abuser would change. Enough women have been harmed by this lie, and we don’t need YA or NA fiction ☹
I so agree and in some cases the people around the victim will say well you must be doing something to cause them to bully you. Or yours just too soft. The victim often gets it from all sides. Our class kept shrinking as so many got jobs we were left with 7 people. I saw a couple girls who left early one in end of term one and transferred to a different school and the other got a job but they did report it one girl several times and it just got worse for them.
I really wonder if the person asking called it the wrong trope. I also think many just like the idea of redeeming a bad boy not giving any real thought about the victim. Like books who have so called bad boys who often just come from the other side of the tracks or got into trouble at school but never really did anything that bad.
I totally agree bullys often become abusive partners. We now have laws about coercive abuse which is often a result of gaslighting. If the girls are being gaslit as students its no wonder they often end up with other abusive partners. This happened to a couple of friends of mine they suffered bullying and then when they married they suffered abuse at the husbands hands. thankfully both got away and are doing well now.
I have a bit of a soft spot for the bad boy (or girl) making good – that’s a real redemption romance, but quite different from bully romance.