A Moment of Doubt, a devotion by Keona J Tann

Early November 2021 I had a real moment of doubt.

I am currently attempting my Diploma of Ministry and I received barely a pass on one of my assignments and I felt utterly devastated. Studying has been a real struggle for me on many different levels but I’d put so much effort into my assignment that I felt that it was possibly even a distinction however I’d made a silly mistake with my footnotes and not answered a section fully hence the low grade.
Throughout the day the devastation around my grade grew and grew, I began to doubt my calling, doubt the gifts God has given to me, doubt the promises He’s made…… As my emotions began to spiral out of control I knew that I needed to take some time out and so I went down to the beach. I sat on the sand and poured my heart out to God, as I cried I wrote:

Lord how can you possibly use me?
I’m weak, feeble and useless.
I felt that study was the first step into ministry, my first act in faith.
But what if I can’t get my diploma, what then?
Have the past months and years of struggle and stress been in vain?
Have I simply wasted everyone’s time?
Lord my brain hurts, aches over trying to work this out.
My heart raced with terror that I’ve got this all wrong
because You can’t possibly use me, weak feeble useless me.
As I sit on the beach and try to pour my heart out to You, my spirit is in turmoil,
I feel tossed like the waves crashing before me.
I feel crushed into a million pieces like the sand beneath my feet.
I feel so hopeless, so useless, so dumb, so stupid.
I feel so much doubt, so much fear, so much….
I feel like You could never possibly use me.
That I’ll never build anything worthwhile for You.
Lord You can do the impossible, but can You really use me, weak feeble useless me?
Lord is my love for You enough?
Can You possibly help me today, tomorrow and forevermore?
Today help me to let go the disappointment of my low grade.
Help me to let go of the thoughts that I’m stupid.
Help me to let go of the feelings of being weak feeble and useless.
Lord fill me with Your love to do whatever tasks You have for me.

My devastation left me reeling and I felt as if I couldn’t and shouldn’t write another word because I began to truly doubt that God could actually use me, weak-feeble-useless-me.

Encouragement

The very next day I came across this encouragement: “God uses ordinary people to share His extraordinary story of redemption. It’s not about how eloquently we present the gospel; we aren’t the heroes of the story, after all — Christ is. By casting aside our “what-ifs” and allowing the Holy Spirit to work through us to proclaim Jesus crucified, dead, buried and resurrected on the third day, we become champions of the gospel.
Neither do we need to hold seminary degrees or serve as professionally trained evangelists or missionaries. Of course, God uses trained evangelists — but the mission field is all around us. … We champion the gospel of Christ every time we declare the Good News to one who doesn’t know Him as Lord and Savior. As Paul said, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved” (Romans 10:13, NIV).” Laura Bailey Writes (Posted via Facebook)

Focus

As I’ve processed my moment of doubt I have been reminded over and over again to shift my focus away from myself in order to focus on Jesus because, as Laura Bailey reminded me, Jesus is the hero of my story!
I’m reminded that it is NO longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me. So I am to live by faith -completely adhere to, rely on and trust Jesus (Galatians 2:20).
I’m reminded that God is able to glorify Himself even in and through my weaknesses. I am reminded to never boast about my own strength but rather boast about what the Lord has done, is doing and will do (1 Corinthians 1:31 and 2 Corinthians 12:9-11).
I endeavour to understand and know God more and more and to acknowledge and honour Him as the One who continually reveals lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on the earth (Jeremiah 9:23-24).

Brand New

Today marks the very first Monday of a brand new month and a brand new year. There is a bright newness to be found today. We can let go of the past, the hurts, the disappointments and the doubts and take hold of something glorious today. I invite you to join me in this prayer:

Jesus help me to be the new creature You call me to be, reborn and renewed by the Holy Spirit. Let the old things of the past pass away (my doubts, my fears, my disappointments, my hurts… ) and help me to embrace the new things that You gift to me, awaken me to the spiritual blessings You bestow upon me.
Gracious God, the fountain of hope, I ask You to FILL me with uncontainable and overflowing joy. Help me to learn to trust You more each and every day as I draw upon Your perfect peace. Holy Spirit, from Your super-abundance, enable me to abound in hope and overflow with confidence in God’s great and wonderful promises. For the numerous promises of God in Christ are ALL answered “YES!” and so through Him I say “Amen” to the glory of God.

What about you?

Have you had a moment of doubt where God has broken through and reminded you just how valued and precious you are to Him? I’d love to hear from you.
Many blessings,
Keona

I found this helpful around boasting in Christ from Got Questions
My prayer has been inspired by 2 Corinthians 5:17, Romans‬ ‭15:13 ‬and 2 Corinthians 1:20.